Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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