last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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