Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
