I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
