either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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