so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
