Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize