Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
