You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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