You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
