I'm eating all of the evidence.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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