I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Randomize
