hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
