I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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