i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
