i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
So here I am, sexting at work.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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