Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
