sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
