my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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