I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
