does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
