Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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