i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
