The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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