Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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