there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
bring money and cleavage
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
