he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
