you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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