so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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