matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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