WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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