the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I'm getting married
To pizza
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
