I will die if light touches me.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
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