Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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