The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
