Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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