All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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