Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Randomize
