Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
