Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I have aggressive nipples.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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