wrigley field is MILF paradise
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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