drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
