3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
