Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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