you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
