i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
