the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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