Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I'm sobbing to NWA
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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