somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
