i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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