I can text with my tongue
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
