M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I understand Curling. That high.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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