How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Randomize
