all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
