Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
well you can't waste a boner
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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