you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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